People’s lives are a collection of interactions. People’s lives are a story. This story is strong and manifests itself as a person’s identity. It is quite literally who they are.
The reason for this post is to explore the idea that a person’s story is simply a collection of experiences, and thus the story can be reshaped and improved.
The role of genetics
The nature vs nurture argument has been raging for many years. This is the argument: what determines our personalities, genetics, or our environment? Identical twins separated at birth are often studied to help bring clarity to this argument. Without a doubt, genetics play a part in human development. Just as it does with all species on this planet. But nurture is a stronger determination of how personalities are shaped. Two identical twins, separated at birth, and raised on separate ends of the world will have a different view of reality. They will have the same physical traits, but their worldview will be hundreds of miles apart.
Genetics do play a role in physical characteristics. But as far as that internal voice that tells the person how to interpret reality, it is created by nurture.
Holding on for dear life
Can the story be changed? Yes. But it’s not easy. People seem to hold on to their stories for lack of a better one. This is where the adage “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” comes from. People act the same, talk the same, make the same mistakes, keep the same bad habits. They just don’t want to improve.
People do want to improve, but how? Maybe they feel that the hand they were dealt is who they are. But it doesn’t have to be that way. People can change the story in their heads.
Don’t be right
First and foremost, the one critical component to changing the story is by recognizing what is known, may not be right. And in most cases, what is known is wrong. Because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Each person must decipher the information they come in contact with. But the problem is, there is not some universal way to figure out and decode this jumbled collection of ideas. So there are bound to be errors made in judgment and decision making.
Shut up and listen
Another way to change the story is by listening. Active listening to be more precise. Active listening is the way to understand how people perceive the world and navigate their reality. With this understanding, people will have a more complete story. And not be prone to errors.
How to listen actively
Of course, the most important part of active listening is speaking the same language. Okay, check. Two people are speaking the same language. The next thing is to make sure one person is talking and the other person listening. This is critical. But here comes the hard part. The person listening needs to hone in on the other person. Of course, they are listening to the words being said but also they are watching the person’s body language. This is nonverbal communication. And it can be very telling. Oftentimes more telling than the words alone.
Important! The active listener is not trying to fix anything the person is saying. The active listener is only trying to understand. They are listening to the person’s story and filling in the gaps in the active listener’s knowledge. All too common, the listener is only waiting for their turn to speak, so they can correct or enlighten the person talking. But this approach leads to a dead end. The listener is saying to themselves, “I’m not listening to this person, I am just waiting for my opportunity to help them and sound superior to them.”
Seek first to understand, then to be understood – attribution unknown.
Well, that’s all I got. I hope you got something out of this post. Mainly the big takeaways are:
We are not subject to the voice in our heads. It’s okay to be wrong. And lastly, listen to people, listen like it’s a contact sport.
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